It had always been you.
I realized it a little too late.
But I apologize, as I looked for you in Fire, Water and maybe even Soil.
Fire. Words would do no justice as to express what I feel for her. I met her against the odds and that has made all the difference. She has this aura which makes me want to be a better person. She loved me in my weird moments, awkward expressions, giggling snorts, insecure transitions and recently, even in days of sickness. No wonder we get along.
My girlfriend gives away nice like it doesn’t cost her anything. She looks at everyone with such kind eyes, empathetic and appraises. How am I supposed to know if am any different? I want ‘the’ look which is only directed at me.
And then it hit me, I’ve been looking for pieces of you in her, bestfriend. I wanted to have a bond of two, like the one I share with you. Where all our looks were solely reserved for each other. I forgot FIRE already has enough oxygen to keep her flames ablaze and I would never want to suffocate her. And so I let her free. I let her Wild.
Water. I love her way too much that it physically hurts. That one person I’ve confided in blindly, after you. She knows the secrets, the betrayals, the fantasies, the drama, and dangerously my weakest nerve. As she always happened to be the one who held me close, tight until I wept my heart out. One who would silently comfort me even at my vulnerable.
The amount of love I feel for her is selfless. For there is no other way. She has her own rock bottom and against all my instincts I would never ask her to choose. The intensity of my love isn’t reciprocated, but I’ll keep what I get because she reminds me so much of you, Air.
And so I realized I’ve been looking for you, in her as well. In the pieces where I act my truth like I did with you. The sudden getaways, savouring memories and bites. But she isn’t mine to keep, unlike you. So I let her live. I let her Flow.
Soil. I love her in a tangled way. It’s intricate, twisted and a little too toxic. The type of love where you constantly seek validation and approval. For better and worse. Her absence made me feel worthless, like her presence made me feel close to invincible. Her love like a dad pushed me to achieve more. Her love like a mother cared for me while I was sick or famished. But at times her roots make it hard for me to breathe. For her love as a sister, shattered me as we kept playing these games. Of envy, rage, annoyance, dominance, and pain.
I’m not certain if I looked for you in her, Air. But I never intend to. For both of you have different roles to play. And you should know you’ll always be the sister I choose. And Soil, rigid on her beliefs must stand unwavering. So I let her leave. I let her fertile.
Would it be suffice to say I miss you? Miss us.
To say I’ve been looking for you in every person who gave me hope. Looking for pieces of you, as little it may.
Loving all these people in pieces, never as a whole. Never completely.
Down the memory lane, I miss the time when we fought over the best seat on our way to grade school. The time we couldn’t meet on the ‘friendship’s day’ and ended up crying all night over the phone call. And then by the next morning hugging each other in the school basement as we laughed over our swollen red eyes and claiming pride over who wept more.
I miss the time when we woke so early during weekends, just to race at the mall road while we lived so carefree, singing aloud to Rihanna’s ‘Who’s that chick’ and feeling so bad ass.
I miss our holy grail memory, our favourite moment then. The fountain shower. How we kept encircling around it, round after round getting ourselves soaked until we felt our souls being cleansed.
I miss our sleepovers. Swimming until we starved, sneaking out around at midnight bicycling around the block talking about our crushes and then ending up giggling the entire night reading dirty jokes or too jittery from watching final destinations.
I’d be lying if I say that the distance didn’t sever what we used to share. Maybe that was the reason I thought I had lost you, believing we’ll be just another story, like those ‘friends’ who came & left. It was honestly stupid of me as I overlooked all the little gestures which screamed how real it was. How real we are together. Because you never really left. You’d been there all along, like air. So I let you Stay and I let me breathe.
‘Cause it doesn’t matter, we may not ring each other up often, or text gossip, keeping tabs on all our whereabouts but I know you care. I know you’ll never stop. And I, I love you with my heart as a whole. Not pieces. Never pieces. And I’ll never stop.