There. Seating in a bar all by yourself, sipping on your usual gin & tonic you start to feel nauseated. It isn’t the gin that you so mindlessly chugged but a heavy tug at your heart as it dawn on you just how long has it been since you’ve been pretending.
On a typical Tuesday night back at your apartment as you lay on your bed, staring into nothingness, you sigh. You try to remember when was the last time you genuinely felt it. The joy of presence. Because lately their absence relieves you more.
Surrounded by your people, exchanging words of gossip, sarcasm and the all too known humor, you laugh if off because this is exactly what you should be doing. This is your usual, your routine. Then why does it feel different? Why are you being pretentious when all you wanna do is the exact opposite?
Why don’t you like it? Why aren’t you happy? You love them. Don’t you?
There. Undoubtedly you love them. You love him. And you love her. But you know in your heart, you no longer really like them. You feel lost, stuck in your train of thought as you go through all those moments down the memory lane when you enjoyed being with them. Near them. It doesn’t feel the same way. And so, you act out.
Does that ring a bell? When you excused yourself from that task you were supposed to work on together. When you bailed on them by simply saying you had other things to do, important ones. Or when you simply weren’t up for meeting them so you throw a lame excuse and rescheduled.
The thing is, you’re in denial. You know exactly what’s happening, you just don’t wanna accept it. Because when you do, it will be solid. Permanent.
Now, you start questioning. Everything.
You look at them from afar. The same people you so damn enjoyed being with once, now just annoy you or puts you off, so you start distancing yourself. Because even though you still care for her or love the way she cracks up at a sexual joke, there are parts which you simply don’t like about her. Because even though you still love his grin or that cologne he wears, you don’t like him enough to be around him. Not anymore.
And so you realize that you’ve grown out of liking them even if you haven’t fall out of love with them.
It pains all the same knowing you no longer have what you once had. But it’s liberating to know it’s no one’s fault. It isn’t theirs and supposedly not yours. We could love someone for million reasons and not really like them for another million. You could love them for what they have achieved, for how pleasant they look or the qualities they possess but not really like them for how they make you feel. The way she gossip, the way she dominates, the way he keep dodging meaningful conversations or the way he whispers sweet nothings when he wants something from you.
Caught between the “If’s & but’s” you look for a way out. But you must realize that often times the only way out is through. So you table your issues, and be upfront with them, with your bestfriend, with your lover or with your sibling. You talk about what’s been bothering you, what you feel have changed and how you want to work things out because you still have hope. You still have faith.
However, if your faith has been shattered and despite the love all you get is toxicity out of them, then you must close the doors. If the amount of efforts you’ve made in your relationship and friendship isn’t reciprocated then you gotta let go. No exception should be made if you’ve hit your lowest because of them. You must value yourself above all and guard your inner peace.
Because Darling, In the end, you’re all you’ve got. And you should be the person you not only love. But really like who you’re becoming.