Noises. Everywhere I turned, there were noises. Blowing of horns, people yelling, strangers whispering, children passing by. It felt like I was stuck there, right in the centre. A time-lapse. Everything was happening so fast. I witnessed it all, everything that went wrong, and everything that has happened since.
It happened in a haze. The mood swings, groundless quarrels, change of behaviour and new found revelations. One moment, we three were talking nonchalantly on absurd topics. Next moment, his words left me uncomfortable. One evening his touch felt disgusting, as he crossed my personal space. Next day, she left me accusing infidel.
My beliefs were shaken. My conscience felt violated. I was torn apart, for now I was oblivious to where my grief lain. I was mourning over my scarred virtue, over his filthy hypocrisy, and over her departure. However, the worst was yet to occur. It was reason. Everyone wanted to know a reason, and everyone had their own version of the story. Like a fire spread, it went ‘round the corners in light speed.
I didn’t know what to say, how to react and who to speak to. It was the time I stood on no concrete, no certainty. All that I knew, all that I was sure about no longer existed. I could no more make out what was the truth and what was the illusion. I was made to believe it was my entire fault. And then I went into a downward spiral.
I stopped believing. I quit feeling. Days passed in a blur. I attended every lecture, did my assignments and worked my hours when asked to. I smiled at every person and laughed on poor jokes. Nothing made sense. They say, you write your best when in pain but I couldn’t pen a single sentence of how I felt then. This led me to quit writing altogether.
I knew I was falling but there was no ground, no side walls, no ceiling. I tried screaming but nothing came. The darkness was too intense and it chilled me to the bones. I knew it was time, time to give up. But then I hit the ground. The reality. And that’s when I finally woke up from my slumber.
I realized it was my fault, indeed. My fault for self sabotage. For wrapping my life around another beings. And limiting myself from the wildness within me. I made these barriers, which didn’t let me breathe. And now it was time to break the damn bars.
For I cannot let any person shatter my faith on love, friendships, family and The Almighty. I’m only responsible for my deeds and my intensions. And if anyone tells me otherwise, screw them.