‘When I had no choice but to become an adult…’

When do you become an adult? At 16, 18, or 21? Is it when you get your first job, when you get married, or when you have a child?

                               Honestly, I don’t remember when I became one. Maybe at the age of 9, when I started staying home alone , looking after myself & my house when my parents went to parties and gatherings.  Maybe at the age of 15, when I had my first break up. Times of crying myself to sleep every night for a month and then moving on all together. Maybe at the age of 16, when my dad was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Maybe after a couple of months, when a close one died.

What if I tell you nothing of the above changed me into an adult but living with constant torment of an elder sister? I’m 19 years old and she’s 22, and how all my life, every day of it I’ve had to act as an adult. I’ve never mentioned her to my friends at school, or college now. It’s like me creating a world of my own where she doesn’t exist. Nor the torment.

Every day I wake up, it is never the silence or birds chirping. It’s always her. Her voice, words of resent she hurls at me. Imagine my torment being called a cunt, a whore by my own sister. I don’t know why she loathe me so much. It couldn’t be ‘envy’, for my parents bought her everything that I own. Even if she never uses any of it and keeps all her things locked away , away from my reach. Till it rots and expires.

It’s like my mere presence bothers her. I could no longer eat with my parents in the same room, or ask for extra food. I can not invite my friends over. For she never stops humiliating me. I’m always locked into my room when at home. Hiding from her, in hope to avoid few obscene words. Though it never stops. She’s always there, on the other side of the door. With her constant smutty insults and repetitive filthy sentences. And she has got good at it. Always picking up at my sensitive issues.

                          Body confidence? A far-fetched word for me. How are you supposed to feel good about yourself when you’ve been shamed about every single flaw of yours, every single day? And no I’m not just talking about height and weight. I’m articulating all the moments when every bite I swallowed was served with vile profanities. 

A teenager of my circumstance would prefer to stay outdoors. Often.

              I don’t. My introversion is no disease. I cherish solitude and staying on my own. Although college is anything but. The long hours spent between raging crowds and surviving small talk leaves me overwhelmed. The group activities and the debates. Presentations are fine. But ‘extempore’?  A nightmare. I’m all exhausted by the evening, drained of all the social interactions. And when my bedroom seems like a solitary confinement. I welcome it. 

It’s a continuous battle between avoiding people outdoors and dealing with my sister indoors. And how do I cope up? I write. And I drink. And I cut myself. No I’m not ashamed.

Peer pressure or mere fascination were never the reason for when I had my first drink. It was my sister. When she called me nasty profanities in front of my tutor. I was humiliated. Bad.  An ex boyfriend or board exams were never the reason, when I cut myself for the first time. It was my sister. When she called me a whore with obscene details in front of my dad.  

My parents say, she’s not mentally stable. For me to ignore her words. Not to speak back when she provokes and act as an adult rather.  Maybe it was this statement of theirs, when I actually became an adult. 

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38 Comments Add yours

  1. I fight against being an adult daily. 😉 I think as children we are exposed to too much and expected to take on far too much. No wonder as adults a lot of us have issues ;D …

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Monica says:

      I totally agree! And with these many issues, writing comes handy.💭📝 😅

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Ha ha! yes it does . 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. One faces too many of such instance in daily life, its difficult but one has to get along with the help of people who care about you, and if not , Books and Writing are one’s best friend!!👍☺ we are always there for you ☺👍

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Monica says:

      Thank you for words. Though I agree, books are a perfect escape. I often find myself dwelt in them. 💭🌈

      Liked by 1 person

  3. maureenrose7 says:

    Your writing is powerful and moving in such a way I am an instant fan! what an incredible talent you have in writing…I too had to become an adult at the same age of 9 when my mother passed and can relate truly with the emotional abuse from siblings. Im so sorry with my whole heart of what you have been through because of your sister’s mental illness. Even if there is a reason for someone to act out like that it doesnt make being on the receiving end any easier. You are a beautiful writer and Im very glad to be following your blog! 🙂 ❤ 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Monica says:

      You’ve no idea how better you made me feel. Thank you so much for the empathy. You’re right it doesn’t get any easier but it does get bearable. And writing seems to be only therapy which do me good. It’s funny how circumstances grow us, eventually leading us for something better. I’m glad you stopped by, and spared your time reading. I wish you good vibes, hope you succeed well. 💭💗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. maureenrose7 says:

        Thank you truly my dear for such a lovely reply back! Yes it is funny how we learn to grow and I do believe all that we go through shapes us to be exactly who we need and are meant to be! Thank you kindly for your well wishes! The very same to you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to say considering that you’ve just shared something painful, but this is beautiful. Your words are moving. Your manner of writing goes straight to the heart. Someone who writes as wonderfully as you do can never be worthy of those insults 🙂 please keep writing!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Monica says:

      I shall. Thanks for such kind words. Sharing something this personal is same as being vulnerable. But it’s because of this blogging community which gives me inspiration to write raw and true. I’m truly greatful. #GutsOverFear & and I forgot to mention I love you comic write ups, so damn relatable. Keep writing pls…shall be waiting to read more. Have a wonderful day. 💭💗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Its true that this blogging community is a great help 🙂
        Thank you for the compliment ^ ^I’ll be looking forward to reading more from you too!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. But never kill the child in you. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Monica says:

      I shall never. 😂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Monica says:

        Which one? Do name it.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. fitnessgrad says:

    Oh goodness, this was a great post! thanks for sharing this! Also, thank you for stoping by my blog page and following me, I appreciate the support!
    I am eager to read more of your post!

    Shay-lon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      Thank you for sparing time reading. I’m glad you liked it. I’m fortunate enough to read your profoundly written pieces. Do keep up the great work. 📝💗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. fitnessgrad says:

        Aww you are quite welcome! I sometimes have to ask myself, “am I ready to be an adult” and then realize I may not have a choice anymore. LOL. It just happens, I never appreciated being a kid because I always wanted to grow up! 😀

        Thank you for your kind words.

        Shay-lon

        Liked by 1 person

  7. ktwritings says:

    Just came across your blog, and i was so fortunate. Your writing moves me and i find it relatable on so many grounds.
    thank you for the bravery in writing how you truly feel ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      It took me a lot of courage to put this out there, more like being vulnerable. But I remember, a fellow blogger asked me in the comment section to write the truth, the wrongs n every emotion I could pen. So here I’m with truth n raw content. It was possible because of this blogging community to which I’m greatful. #GutsOverFear. 📝🍁

      Like

    1. Monica says:

      Thank you Ishita!😊🌼

      Like

  8. Bilingualvegetable says:

    Very moving. I think physical age plays an insignificant role in when we become adults. But maturing too fast is also something that should be avoided. A little bit of immaturity never hurt anyone. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      Thanks for stopping by and reading. I believe it’s the maturity that matters, never the age. Even if we never want to adult. 😊💭

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Bilingualvegetable says:

        …. which is exactly the case for me. Don’t know how to, will never want to.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. This is immensely touching Monica…u just flexed the night for me. Every word bleed poignancy, I was wishing it to b fiction. I admire u write, it surely wud b solacing. We mature with life and its enigma isn’t it? Tryna decode it all the way, hoping to win in the end.

    A big warm hug to you girl….. U r a splendid writer… keep doing it. Stay happy and alive….have a great week 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. A moving write… sad about your relationship with your sister. Good that you could write as a form of therapy… so keep writing and remember Hope is always there! Take care, Monica. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You have a very real, very honest blog. I struggle with drinking, so I can relate to this. And amazingly it really does come down to being an adult. It’s hard. But I have found strength in creativity as I’m sure you have as well. You write very well. I said your words were “powerful” on my last comment and I mean it. Turbulent emotion creates very sincere and spectacular works of art. But eventually it can be joyous emotions that inspire our art. I think we should all look at ourselves as unique, dynamic individuals and take joy from that. I’ve learned from near divorce, abuse, and addiction that bad seasons truly do always pass if we stay strong through them. You write extremely well and I was really taken aback when I started reading your posts because of the honesty and the skill you employed with writing them

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      Goodness! I couldn’t articulate how much it means to me! Thank you, thank you so much for understand and relating. Owing up to something so personal takes courage, and it’s only because of this community I was able to write so raw and truth. People like you makes it easier & bearable. Words mean nothing if they couldn’t make you feel, n move. And isn’t it crazy? They say words are cheap, but people like me couldn’t just help it….to whom words mean so much. & more. I’m trying to improve for better at writing and in life. Hope I make it just fine.
      Also, you yourself have a great command over language. And as I say this, do know…I’m reading all your posts. With all due no to creep you out. 🌼 Take care. Hope you have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think you have a great command over language as well a powerful one to be honest. And I am extremely grateful that you are reading my posts 😉 you’ve honestly made my day and I’m looking forward to going through the rest of your posts and reading all your future ones as well

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Sunny Narang says:

    u do have magic in your words.. really moving..
    this made me emotional.. which is very rare..!
    love your writting and all your stuffs.. you are such a beautiful soul..your writting reflects that.. and yes..never ever kill the child in you..n never hurt yourself..someone might be loving u more than yo do..KEEP SMILLING and KEEP WRITTING.. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      Thank you for such words of wisdom. I shall work to it. I’m glad you liked it.. Hope you have a great day. 😊💭

      Liked by 1 person

  13. prashantt says:

    Beautiful compilation of thoughts on this subject though i thought the day we realised sense of responsibilities we grow up as an adult.Life is cruel and sometimes situations & circumstances lead us to be an adult at very tender age.Wishing you a great life ahead and keep spreading magical words as you’re certainly gifted writer.Smiles to you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Your writing and your honesty move me. I encourage you, since you just started following me, to read what I write, especially my little wisdom sayings. I encourage, I uplift, I choose LOVE over that of fear. The conversations I have behind the scenes are honest filled with Love and Compassion, yet with Truth. I do not sugarcoat, but I am not cruel either. I understand exactly how you feel and I had to learn myself to find self-confidence and to really like me then LOVE me. My mother did her very best to squash me into nothing but dust and yet here I am decades later, rising above the dysfunction. I can now say I respect me, I like me, I am proud of the progress I have made, I like my life, and I LOVE me. If I can do it, so can you. Sending Much Love to you, Amy ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monica says:

      You left me speechless. It was so generous of you to tell me all this. I shall go through your literary pieces and try to heed self love. Rising above self sabotage and the doubts is no easy task. I’m happy you could do it. I hope I do too. Thank you for filling me such positivity. Glad to have make your acquaintance here. Looking forward to read all your art. 🌼📝

      Liked by 1 person

      1. AmyRose🌹 says:

        Honey, I have over 30 years on you. This is a process, a journey which does not happen over night. Be gentle with you. Ask for guidance and yes in small chunks read my words, something that draws you. Think about the words and how you can apply them to your own life. I’ve been through more hells then I share, yet my friends who follow me, through what I have said, know I have lived through hells. And still do to this very day. I keep choosing to NOT allow these things to destroy me. You can do the same. BIG (((HUGS))) ❤

        Like

      2. AmyRose🌹 says:

        And oh, my photography touches the Heart and soul, if you have the “eyes to see”. There is so much emotion behind my images. ❤

        Like

  15. andysmerdon says:

    Take care of yourself Monica. Your style is open and giving, keep writing and stay healthy. Kind regards.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I read first line and then could not stop!! Your writing is so compelling and absorbing. Amazing work. I wonder how can an elder sibling be so indifferent, have you thought about confronting her or telling her how you feel?

    Like

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